| About two million people of Indian origin live in America and, every year, thousands of them decide to get married, usually in a desperate attempt to get their parents off their backs. Some travel all the way to India in search of the ideal mate, while others choose to marry someone who's familiar with American culture, either an Indian raised in America or an American of another race. Each choice, unfortunately, presents a few disadvantages. For example, if you're an Indian intending to have an interracial marriage, it's important to realize that your parents will likely react in one of three ways:
1. They will threaten to disown you. Yes, even if they live with you.
2. One of your parents, probably your father, will suddenly fall deathly ill. If he's already in poor health, his condition will suddenly become life threatening. "If you don't cancel the wedding, your father will die," your mother will say. "The doctor says he has contracted an acute form of AIDS (Automatic Interracial Distaste Syndrome)."
3. One of your parents, probably your mother, will threaten to commit suicide. "I would rather die than see my child bring shame upon my family," she will say, with no shame whatsoever. Whomever you choose to marry, if your spouse is unfamiliar with Indian culture, you may encounter a few uncomfortable situations. For example: ---If you're a man who likes to wear a dhoti at home, don't be surprised if your new wife accuses you of cross-dressing. And if she doesn't do that, she may laugh and say, "What happened? Did you run out of clothes again? Why are you wearing our bed sheet?" ---When you're eating rice with your hands, your spouse may hand you a fork and say, "Here's a new invention you may find useful." And you'll have to act confused and reply, "I saw that thing in the kitchen drawer, but I couldn't find the instruction manual. Which end am I supposed to hold?" ---When you add too much chili powder to the chicken curry, you may find yourself in court, accused of spousal abuse. "Oh my God! Were you trying to kill me?" your spouse may yell. "Or were you just trying to make sure the chicken was dead?" ---When you hang Bollywood movie posters in your bedroom, your spouse may look puzzled and ask, "Who in heaven's name is Hrithik?" And you'll have to say, "He's my ex-boyfriend. I dumped him because he wouldn't stop flexing his biceps. It was really embarrassing, especially when we went to the temple." ---When you buy a bag of guavas from an Indian store, your spouse may ask, "Are these edible? I've never seen them before." And you'll have to say, "Stay away from those! They're poisonous. Only real Indians can eat them." ---When you make gulab jamuns or other Indian sweets, your spouse may take a bite and say sarcastically, "Are you sure you've added enough sugar?" And you'll have to say, "Yes, I made them for all my diabetic friends, in case they want to commit suicide." But even if you marry someone from India, you'll probably encounter a few "situations." For example: ---If you're paying $20 to fill your car with gas, your spouse may scream, "What's wrong with you? You have just wasted 1,000 rupees. Why can't you just take the bus?" ---When you're watching American football, your spouse may say, "All those men are wearing helmets. Are they motorcyclists?" And you'll have to say, "Yes, of course they are. They parked their motorcycles outside the stadium. The government created this game to help them vent their frustration over not being able to afford cars." ---When your dirty clothes start piling up, your spouse may say, "We're running out of clean clothes. When's the dhobi coming?" And you'll have to say, "I forgot to tell you this: YOU are the dhobi. Remind me to give you directions to the river." Whomever you decide to marry, don't say I didn't warn you. |
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